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I want my brain to wake up fully but patience is the name of the game these days. Putting it all in perspective though, it is waking up so much more than it was just two days ago and it’s getting better each and every day. The lung cancer, pancreas, adrenal, renal, and now brain cancer is giving me a whole slew of lessons and perspectives that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Of course I would much rather describe them from a place of not knowing and blissful ignorance other than what I am discovering. But since I am, I may as well tell you what being in my head is really like. My whole brain radiation was finished up two days before Mother’s Day. I was enjoying my family and friends in a very low-key day, as I thought to myself, this isn’t so bad. And then the confusion began and increased over the next few days. I couldn’t keep my thoughts in check and hard as I tried I couldn’t make sense of it all. I knew I was confused.
I couldn’t walk without holding on and I couldn’t remember anything worth a damn. The radiation oncologist didn’t know that my thinking abilities would improve, which added to my incredible fear and anxiety. “Time will tell,” they said. In the meantime, I had to wait it out. I was transferred from MGH to Spaulding Cape Cod on May 24 to start working with PT, OT, SLP and TR three hours a day. As I write now, I am improving daily and can breathe a small sigh of relief with each step forward. Slowly I seem to be coming back, making steady progress. From planning out my activities of daily living and getting used to what I am supposed to do next, speech therapy is helping me to work on problem solving skills that have seemed to disappear. Re-teaching myself how to make my head work better, however makes my chest clench with anxiety.
I am trying to complete problem solving skills and fear of failing. They call it performance anxiety but I need cognitive management as well. Just a few days ago I couldn’t put change together to even figure out 37 cents or $4 or whatever combo they wanted to challenge me with. My brain was so foggy and confused; I was at its mercy but hoping for its best. Today I am more in control than yesterday and I expect more than tomorrow. It’s great to see my progress as long as it’s steady day to day. I will keep going forward to tell you how this feels, even if I need help finding the right words. I just need to know that it will happen.
About Joyce Rothman
In summer 2010, I was diagnosed with stage 3a lung cancer. Soon after, a second primary cancer was found in my pancreas. Within a blink of time, I faced not one, but two of the most feared and fatal cancers. As a nurse with 40 years' experience, I had taken care of many people who were being treated for cancer and now suddenly, I am one of them.
Life throws curve balls and the way we handle them can make it better or worse. Wanting it better, I started writing several years ago as a way to help to make sense of it all. I learned how to tap into my inner wisdom and found answers that gave me peace and helped me move forward. This caused such a huge impact on my wellbeing that I wondered if it might help other people, so I began to share my writing. I wanted to be real and decided to put my life under a microscope, to show my rawness and vulnerability as I worked through whatever challenge or circumstance I faced. I hoped that like myself, my readers might also find the courage to make the changes necessary to find peace, health, love and happiness in their lives.
Since being diagnosed with these cancers, I¹ve written about life on the other side the unexpected lessons, the wondrous gifts and surprising observations that have given me much food for thought. I¹m doing well and I credit writing. It is carrying me along with grace, hope and love.
