Here's what women need: Women need their entire households to be more efficient when it comes to sicknesses, illnesses, and maladies.
Let's face it. Women thrive on coordination. Want a major school event involving hundreds of kids, hundreds of parents, hundreds of baked goods, transportation, and volunteers to come off without a hitch? Who do you ask? That's right. A woman.
So, getting back to sickness. We're not asking for much. Just a more concentrated effort to streamline it a bit.
In fact, if a woman were to become the next Commander in Chief, before she evens sets her purse down in the Oval Office I would encourage her to enact “The Constitution of Sickness.”
And by that I mean this:
1. Everyone in the family, including the pets, must get sick on the same day at approximately the same time. Do not, under any circumstances, wait to get sick until the day someone else in the family is proclaimed “healed,” “well again,” or “all better.”
2. That day should be a weekday and the time should be during normal office hours, between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., unless your doctor isn't open on Friday afternoons and then you'd better get it over and done with by noon.
3. Under no circumstances should anyone in the family get sick on a holiday, over the weekend, or late at night. SEK Urgent Care is great, to be sure, but not three Saturdays in a row.
4. Everyone in the family (pets are optional on this one) must take all medicines related to the sickness at the same time and in the same dosage amounts. This will eliminate having 18 different containers with itty bitty writing instructing 3 ccs of this and 45 mls of that to be given using 6 different medicine dispensers at 12 different times of the day, some with food and some without. I realize this will cause some work for the pharmaceutical companies but they're raking in the dough so let's make 'em work for it.
5. Everyone in the family (pets definitely out on this one) must be confined to one room for the duration of the sickness, preferably a room that includes enough beds for everyone. This will eliminate the need to constantly traverse the entire distance of the house looking for a) medicine (see above), b) Kleenexes, c) a favorite book that's been missing since 2006, and it eliminates about 13 doorknobs and 17 light switches that need to be sprayed with Lyesol disinfectant every 30 minutes.
6. All throwing up by all parties will be done within one 20-minute time period so that once a bed is stripped of sheets and said sheets are thrown in the washing machine, all other bed sheets will join them and not - NOT - done in subsequent batches stretching from 2 a.m. until the next Spanish Inquisition.
7. Laundry detergent, Lyesol disinfectant, Kleenexes, hand sanitizer, and Gatorade will be covered by all health insurance companies. No co-pay.
8. All pharmacies will be required to operate drive-through windows (thank you very much, Lindburg).
There you have it. No need for a preamble. Just eight articles (who needs an even 10 when eight will do?), quite to the point, and with no room for debate.
If you have any suggestions for amendments, send them to andra.stefanoni@morningsun.net
