As you may recall, some time back there were a series of vicious spaghetti wars between the Noon Rotary (aka the Children of Light) and the Sunflower Kiwanis (aka the Powers of Darkness). It was a terrible business with a lot saucy behavior particularly on part of the Sunflower group. A lot of marinara was spilled, but eventually Noon Rotary won our victory. We are the movers and the shakers. We are the leaders and believers. We are Noon Rotary.
Whereas Palm Sunday, the day which we God-fearing Rotarians traditionally honor by feasting on noodles, is still months away, you might wonder why I am talking about this now. One answer is that it is always the time to talk about important events. While that is true, I do have a more immediate motive. My consciousness has been raised to a threat to our entire future, to a force that is coming into our schools and attempting to warp the minds of our children, and as you shouldn’t be surprised to know those loathsome Kiwanians are behind it.
They have started an organization in our schools called K-Kids. Even the name is insidious. They’ve tried to disguise it with a “K” but we all know that letter really stands for Kiwanis, the K-word in polite society. Oh, they are such devils!
They try to hide their evil by cloaking it under good works. They have the kids honor veterans, go trick or treating for UNICEF, adopt families for Christmas and take part in a variety of such “service” activities around town. Though, as so often is the case, this sort of behavior has sown the seeds of Kiwanis’s downfall. I came to be aware of the organization recently at Project Warmth, an event which is neutral ground where upon Rotarians and Kiwanians of all stripes can mix among one another in an atmosphere of peace. It was there I discovered — much to my horror — that my own youngest child, the child of my dotage, is a K-Kid.
I rent my garments and rubbed ashes in my hair right after I finished my chili, which was delicious, by the way. My wife is much less troubled by this than am I. She thinks that it is good that children are learning about civic organizations and taking a positive part in the community.
I am not so sanguine about this, and if I get my way we will, of course, send her to be deprogrammed at a special school Rotary supports for just such cases. In the meantime, we will be having the Rotary song played on a continuous loop around our house: “R-O-T-A-R-Y, that spells Rotary / R-O-T-A-R-Y, is one big family / From north to south, and east to west / He profits most who serves the best / R-O-T-A-R-Y, that spells Rotary.”
I’ve already started this, but the child, as mislead as she is, sings back: “I’d rather be in Kiwanis / I’d rather be in Kiwanis / I’d rather be in Kiwanis than any other club / than any other club…” You get the picture. It’s like being in The Exorcist.
I’ve tried to comfort myself by saying it doesn’t matter that she is in Kiwanis now because her mind isn’t fully developed, and that, in fact, is one of the childish traits she shares in common with members of that club that makes it so attractive to her.
She does have a lot of life left, so she can still be changed, but it also makes it so much more tragic if she doesn’t. If a toothless octogenarian becomes a Kiwanian so what? They only waste a few years.
On the other hand, to spend the vast bulk of one’s life surrounded by such is a tragedy.
The stakes are great: the future. But you needn’t lose sleep because there are people who are there to take care of you and our future. We are Noon Rotary.
Bobby Winters is Assistant Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, Professor of Mathematics, and Acting Chair of the Department of Chemistry.
PITTSBURG —
