And justice for some: Dancing with the Cars(makers)

Watching the greedy CEOs from the auto industry beg for my tax dollars has been borderline delightful. Not because I love it that they had to squirm when asked how they had the nerve to ask for the public’s help after arriving in D.C. by private jet  or because I like watching people suffer  (OK, I enjoyed watching O.J. go to jail). I felt giddy because of the power now in the hands of “we the people.” If private industry wants our money, then we get a say about the circumstances under which they get it, right? Isn’t that the whole point of a democracy.

OK, so it’s not an especially healthy democracy and we get snookered more than empowered when it comes to politicians giving away our tax dollars. Case in point: The head of Ford Motor  Co. offered to take only $1 in salary next year if he gets a bailout package. As if that will make even one taxpayer feel better about the looming money-flush on the horizon. I have a better idea.  How about he gives back the 20 zillion he pocketed over the past 10 years? Then we can talk about a welfare plan for Ford.

Let’s pretend for a moment that we do have the power to dictate to the auto industry (or whatever business next comes begging) the conditions that apply before they get “we the people’s” money.

First, there has to be a system of constant oversight to protect against the blood-suckers  who will drain the pond if we don’t watch very carefully. Like flesh-eating piranha,  corporate criminals will rip the meat off our “investment’ bones if we turn away for more than five seconds.

The technology for constant oversight  exists. We simply have to bring  C-SPAN cameras to corporate headquarters and push the “on” button. For the moment, at least, we need to watch the actions of the auto industry more than the goings on in Congress. If it’s  half as interesting as the “Truman Show,” we might even make a profit by selling commercial air time.  Worst-case scenario: With constant camera coverage, corrupt CEOs will have to work a little bit harder to steal our money without anyone noticing.

Second, whole industries should be forbidden to file a joint request for money. It’s not consistent with the competitive tradition in this country and it doesn’t inspire creative genius or economic efficiency. Put simply, the Big Three car manufacturers are not equally worthy of the same whopping package of dough, or even the same relative package based on company size, etc. Chrysler clearly has a worse record than the others, yet they all showed up together at the groveling table. Makes no sense.

If we give equally to the poorly managed business as the more efficient ones, the weakest will be a leech on the others – like when you put one dead battery in a toy alongside two healthy ones. They all croak in less than five minutes. Bottom line, no group gifts.

Instead, CEOs should participate in an elimination contest, like “Dancing With the Stars.” We the people will give the most money to the best business plan. Second best gets a smaller check – and the loser gets kicked off the show.

Finally, excessive and wasteful spending will be punished. Those responsible for needless rides on corporate jets, lavish expenditures on stadium-naming, ridiculous union contracts and CEO bonuses will be subjected to mandatory sanctions including forced habitation at homeless shelters and compulsory service at soup kitchens.

Corporate America won’t like this plan very much. They’re not exactly used to the little guy walking around in the big guy’s shoes.

The phrase “free market” means relatively unrestrained competition – it doesn’t mean private industry can take the public’s money and dump it in the “market,” “free” from responsibility.

Wendy Murphy is a leading victims rights advocate and nationally recognized television legal analyst. She is an adjunct professor at New England Law in Boston and radio talk show host. She can be reached at wmurphy@nesl.edu.