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PITTSBURG —
Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store. — Dr. Seuss
Has anyone besides me noticed how what was once the shudder of excitement over the approach of Christmas has turned to the shiver of dread?
For instance:
• The dread of Christmas songs booming at Walmart more than a week before Thanksgiving.
• The dread of buying and receiving unneeded items between family and friends.
• The dread of being expected to be nice to people I don’t like.
• The dread of seeing internet spam pop up every time I log on my computer with ideas for the “perfect present.”
• The dread of again realizing that Christmas marketing is a scam, benefiting manufacturers, stores, and huge corporations, while driving individuals into debt, and filling landfills with useless packaging and discarded merchandise.
It wasn’t always this way. There was a time that the Christmas story — complete with angels, guiding star, wise men, animals and baby Jesus — resonated in my heart.
That was before I discovered that the roly-poly red robed Santa Claus guy was a marketing ploy invented in the early 20th century by Coca Cola to encourage consumerism with very little regard for Christ’s birth and the “good news” of love, compassion and forgiveness.
I even have photographic evidence that it used to be different; a black and white Kodak print of me beaming in a new Hopalong Cassidy cowboy outfit while posing in front of the family Christmas tree.
Speaking of the Christmas tree, rather than an excursion to the Folwer family land in Arcadia to cut a fresh cedar as in years past, my approach has become, “Should we put up a tree this year, honey … or go with the more eco-friendly approach “Why Bother?”
Oh the exhaustion of it all. I’m surprised I haven’t yet seen a holiday energy drink ad (like the parody I saw in Funny Times) that promises to give you the vigor of St. Nick — energy enough to get all your work done in one day — and then take the rest of year off.
Truth be told, I don’t abhor Christmas, just its absurdities. And there are very few things as absurd as Christmas.
I’ve discovered about the only way to cope with the ridiculousness is humor. So here’s some pithy Christmas quotes:
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” - Shirley Temple.
Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store. — Dr. Seuss
Has anyone besides me noticed how what was once the shudder of excitement over the approach of Christmas has turned to the shiver of dread?
For instance:
• The dread of Christmas songs booming at Walmart more than a week before Thanksgiving.
• The dread of buying and receiving unneeded items between family and friends.
• The dread of being expected to be nice to people I don’t like.
• The dread of seeing internet spam pop up every time I log on my computer with ideas for the “perfect present.”
• The dread of again realizing that Christmas marketing is a scam, benefiting manufacturers, stores, and huge corporations, while driving individuals into debt, and filling landfills with useless packaging and discarded merchandise.
It wasn’t always this way. There was a time that the Christmas story — complete with angels, guiding star, wise men, animals and baby Jesus — resonated in my heart.
That was before I discovered that the roly-poly red robed Santa Claus guy was a marketing ploy invented in the early 20th century by Coca Cola to encourage consumerism with very little regard for Christ’s birth and the “good news” of love, compassion and forgiveness.
I even have photographic evidence that it used to be different; a black and white Kodak print of me beaming in a new Hopalong Cassidy cowboy outfit while posing in front of the family Christmas tree.
Speaking of the Christmas tree, rather than an excursion to the Folwer family land in Arcadia to cut a fresh cedar as in years past, my approach has become, “Should we put up a tree this year, honey … or go with the more eco-friendly approach “Why Bother?”
Oh the exhaustion of it all. I’m surprised I haven’t yet seen a holiday energy drink ad (like the parody I saw in Funny Times) that promises to give you the vigor of St. Nick — energy enough to get all your work done in one day — and then take the rest of year off.
Truth be told, I don’t abhor Christmas, just its absurdities. And there are very few things as absurd as Christmas.
I’ve discovered about the only way to cope with the ridiculousness is humor. So here’s some pithy Christmas quotes:
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” - Shirley Temple.
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” - Jay Leno
“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” - Dennis Miller
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”” - Dave Barry
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out in the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Chevy Chase in “Christmas Vacation”
“If I could work my will, nephew, every idiot who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.” — Ebenezer Scrooge. “A Christmas Carol”
Those last two are a little dark, even for me, so here’s some puns to lighten things up a little.
Q. What do they call Santa’s helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses
Q. What do you call Santa Clause after he’s climbed down into a working fireplace? A. Krisp Kringle
Q. Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?“ A. Rude-olph
Q. Where do Santa’s reindeers like to stop for lunch? A. Deery Queen
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus? A. North Polish
One thing I do enjoy about Christmas is the deep sense of peace that descends upon me … when it’s all over!
Of course, since Christmas accounts for 20% of yearly retail sales, acceptance is the key to getting through the outlandishness of it all. It has been said that, from a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.
It also helps to remember that it’s a group ordeal. “A lovely thing about Christmas,” Garrison Keillor wrote, “is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm … and we all go
through it together.”
J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Training & Consulting in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-0499 or jtknoll@swbell.net
