These are interesting and absurd times we live in, which is why I subscribe to the monthly newspaper Funny Times. Here’s a couple of excerpts from the religion section in the December issue.
David Cerullo, who came to prominence after purchasing the TV studios abandoned by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, established a “prosperity gospel” ministry in which he assures followers that the more they give, the more God will return to them. In a recent TV spot Cerullo, whose annual base salary is 1.52 million, spoke in tongues and then addressed the credit-challenged in his audience with the following: “When you donate, the window of heaven … opens for you … 100 fold.” “Debt Cancellation!” (The on-screen message: “Call now with your $900 offering and receive God’s debt cancellation!”)
When about to be sentenced for real estate fraud in Stuart, Florida, pastor Rodney McGill addressed a courtroom prayer for his enemies: “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, for every witness called against me I pray cancer in their lives, lupus, brain tumor, pancreatic cancer.” The judge then sentenced him to 20 years in prison.
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Always on the lookout for pithy quotes, I discovered some curmudgeonly ones on faith this month.
The first is from poet Emily Dickinson. “They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.” Humm. Could it be that, these days, God is holed up in his office checking out MySpace? More likely, in his case, it would be MyUniverse.
Lenny Bruce once said, “Every day people are straying from the church and going back to God.” Anyone who’s dealt with a shame-spewing minister or priest — or had to endure religious doctrine devoid of love and acceptance — can likely relate to this. Also to Mohandas Gandhi’s assertion, “God has no religion.”
“All religions are the same: Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.”
This quote is attributed to Cathy Ladman. There’s a lot of truth to it. Certainly guilt has value in religion. Healthy guilt that is; the kind that causes you to see you’ve done wrong and encourages you to take responsibility for your actions. Too often, though, the people in charge focus on debilitating guilt and shame — thereby reducing a person’s ability to grow. Which brings to mind the 4th century theologian Gregory of Nyssa, quoted by Kathleen Norris as professing, “Sin is the failure to grow.”
Praying is like a rocking chair: It’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. Although Gypsy Rose Lee was likely putting prayer down when she said this, I find it to be one of the positive aspects of prayer — at least on some occasions. Which is to say, prayer helps me to stay in the present moment and not spin off in my thoughts back to the past or into the future.
“To profess to be doing God’s will is a form of megalomania,” said Joseph Prescott. The key work here is “profess.” Brings to mind a Thomas Merton quote from “Thoughts in Solitude” that addresses doing God’s will. “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.”
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Finally, these out of the mouths of babes:
A 4-year-old overheard praying before bed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I don't know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Training, Consulting & Counseling Services in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-1852
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