A changing of the guard

The week this appears marks a regime change in the halls of Noon Rotary. There will be a new High Gear in place, and I will fully assume my duties as Replacement Cog. We’ve many, many challenges ahead for the new Rotarian year, but they will be met, assessed and dealt with in a swift, efficient and effective manner. We are the future. We are Noon Rotary.

Last week an event was held to celebrate the achievements of the passing year. It was a banquet alfresco that was held at Leffler Rotary Park, aka Yogi Park. The Yogi was stolen by Kiwanian terrorists some years back, but the name remains among the common folk in their wisdom.

As with all of our events, this was immaculately planned down to the last detail. We were served pate de foie gras and filet mignon. Our event committee, ever mindful of detail and our need to maintain a low profile as we under constant surveillance of the ever-watchful eye of the Kiwanis menace, thoughtfully disguised these, however. The foie gras was carefully given a cylindrical shape and the filet mignon was ground and put into patty form. Then each was grilled to perfection by our most skilled operatives. Either that or a couple of bozos grilled up some wienies and burgers. 

These events are good in that they provide High Command an opportunity to rub elbows with the troops. It is a duty High Command is more than happy to perform, and the troops, bless their loyal little hearts, seem to enjoy it.

Morale is more important than ever during these times. The masses, in their blissful ignorance, are unaware of the war that rages for their hearts and minds. This is an ageless war between the forces of light and the forces of darkness and the prize is nothing less than the Soul of Man. 

In previous ages, our torch was carried on by others, the Knights Templar and the Riders of the Purple Sage. In the present age, it is Rotary’s responsibility to keep the flame alive against the depravity of the loathsome Kiwanis Menace.

After we’d finished our banquet, we were treated to games. The first of these was the basketball throw. Each contestant was given five throws and the one who put the ball through the goal the most times was awarded a gift certificate to Mall Deli. The untutored observer might call the one who scored the most goals the “winner,” but this just exhibits an ignorance of Rotary rules. The purpose of the game is to appear to be trying as hard as you can to get the ball through but still miss the goal. The gift certificate is given so the loser of the contest can purchase comfort food to assuage the pain of his loss.

I was proud that I was able to tie for first place with our new High Gear. There are no tie-breakers in this sort of event because the level of competition is so high both of us could have gone on missing for hours.

This competition was followed by horseshoes. Rotarians play this in the same way lesser folk do, but with a different, holier purpose. We use it as a means to train our operatives to do “wet work,” i.e. the sanctioning of Kiwanian spies. When the Kiwanians find one of their own with a horseshoe protruding from their skull — and this happens more often than you read it in the papers — they KNOW who is responsible and it fills their hearts with dread.

Rest assured that, even though there has been a regime change, we are still in charge. We are the forces of good; we carry the torch of light; we are Noon Rotary.

Bobby Winters is Assistant Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences and Professor of Mathematics at Pittsburg State University. He is pastor of the Opolis United Methodist Church.