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PITTSBURG —
Each year The Washington Post holds a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. Here are some of the 2011 submissions followed by some pithy commentary in italics.
Inhockcicated: the dizzy feeling one experiences when first viewing credit card charges after the holidays. The cure for which is hurrying out to Walmart and charging something else.
Clustomers: when everyone in the store decides to buy something at the same time. Sounds a lot like Black Friday. Don’t forget the pepper spray.
Tweezers: old geezers who have twitter accounts. Make me wonder what they tweet about: “Could someone out there please tweet me my name?”
Eblaborate: the act of babbling on incessantly in an attempt to provide excessive amounts of information; often useless minutiae, about a particular topic. Let’s see, could this be describing TV coverage of the Republican primaries?
Wrankles: the creases on your lower leg once you take your socks off. I get these. Boy do they itch!
Blamestorming: the act of getting together after a serious mistake to decide whose fault it was. This would make a good title for a show on the Fox network.
Hexcellent: when a curse has the desired effect. This happened when my wife cursed Jose Canseco for refusing to sign an autograph for my son. A month later a fly ball hit him on the head and bounced over the wall in centerfield for a home run. HEXCELLENT!
Dacation: 24 hours away from the job. And if you don’t get out of bed all day, would it be a lacation?
Comatoes: What might happen if your foot falls asleep. Most people don’t know that even though their foot’s asleep, they can still smell.
Germil: a small furry animal that lives under the toilet seat. And if you sit down on one urine trouble.
Nonsensus: a group process that seeks to avoid having to make any kind of decisions. Also known as Congress.
Misconception: pregnant beauty queen. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Pregret: Regretting something that you haven’t done yet, but fully intend to. I did this all the time in Catholic grade school.
Infantile: flooring for a nursery. I believe it was George Carlin who asked, “Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”
Thistle: blowing a tune with a lisp. This is just a funny thought.
Artifacial: the result of using way too much makeup. “Interesting makeup. Do you use a brush … or just dip your face?”
Apphole: what you call a person who stops in a crowded hallway to look at their smart phone. I see more of this coming … just over the Verizon.
Analog: the result of two weeks of eating a low fiber diet. The cure is to acquire more bran equity.
Super Bowel: when your team plays like s***. Also, holding it for the entire game. Which, because the game, with all its hype lasts so long, produces a very large analog.
Oinkment: bacon flavored salve. Not really new. This is an old home remedy. Of course, if you use it, a pack of dogs follows you everywhere.
Achre: a very large area of pain. Sounds like something from the Ozark hillbilly dictionary. “Honey get me some that thar oinkment. I got a real achre a goin’”
J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Wellness Training & Consulting in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-0499 or jtknoll@swbell.net.
Each year The Washington Post holds a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. Here are some of the 2011 submissions followed by some pithy commentary in italics.
Inhockcicated: the dizzy feeling one experiences when first viewing credit card charges after the holidays. The cure for which is hurrying out to Walmart and charging something else.
Clustomers: when everyone in the store decides to buy something at the same time. Sounds a lot like Black Friday. Don’t forget the pepper spray.
Tweezers: old geezers who have twitter accounts. Make me wonder what they tweet about: “Could someone out there please tweet me my name?”
Eblaborate: the act of babbling on incessantly in an attempt to provide excessive amounts of information; often useless minutiae, about a particular topic. Let’s see, could this be describing TV coverage of the Republican primaries?
Wrankles: the creases on your lower leg once you take your socks off. I get these. Boy do they itch!
Blamestorming: the act of getting together after a serious mistake to decide whose fault it was. This would make a good title for a show on the Fox network.
Hexcellent: when a curse has the desired effect. This happened when my wife cursed Jose Canseco for refusing to sign an autograph for my son. A month later a fly ball hit him on the head and bounced over the wall in centerfield for a home run. HEXCELLENT!
Dacation: 24 hours away from the job. And if you don’t get out of bed all day, would it be a lacation?
Comatoes: What might happen if your foot falls asleep. Most people don’t know that even though their foot’s asleep, they can still smell.
Germil: a small furry animal that lives under the toilet seat. And if you sit down on one urine trouble.
Nonsensus: a group process that seeks to avoid having to make any kind of decisions. Also known as Congress.
Misconception: pregnant beauty queen. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Pregret: Regretting something that you haven’t done yet, but fully intend to. I did this all the time in Catholic grade school.
Infantile: flooring for a nursery. I believe it was George Carlin who asked, “Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”
Thistle: blowing a tune with a lisp. This is just a funny thought.
Artifacial: the result of using way too much makeup. “Interesting makeup. Do you use a brush … or just dip your face?”
Apphole: what you call a person who stops in a crowded hallway to look at their smart phone. I see more of this coming … just over the Verizon.
Analog: the result of two weeks of eating a low fiber diet. The cure is to acquire more bran equity.
Super Bowel: when your team plays like s***. Also, holding it for the entire game. Which, because the game, with all its hype lasts so long, produces a very large analog.
Oinkment: bacon flavored salve. Not really new. This is an old home remedy. Of course, if you use it, a pack of dogs follows you everywhere.
Achre: a very large area of pain. Sounds like something from the Ozark hillbilly dictionary. “Honey get me some that thar oinkment. I got a real achre a goin’”
J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Wellness Training & Consulting in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-0499 or jtknoll@swbell.net.
