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Morning Sun
  • OKIE IN EXILE: Getting to Know You: the Colonoscopy

  • When you tell your physician that you just turned 50 and remind him that you’ve used up your co-pay from your health insurance, your fate is pretty much on rails after that.  Those of you who’ve been through it know where I’m about to head now.  Those of you who haven’t probably still need to be told: the Colonoscopy.

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  • When you tell your physician that you just turned 50 and remind him that you’ve used up your co-pay from your health insurance, your fate is pretty much on rails after that.  Those of you who’ve been through it know where I’m about to head now.  Those of you who haven’t probably still need to be told: the Colonoscopy.
    Yes, my friends. I’ve been there, done that, and have the leftover laxative mixing-cup to show for it. I had promised myself that I would not write about this because Dave Berry has written the definitive column on this.  He is vivid in his description of the purging process.  And it is a process that deserves vivid description.  I saw C-Rations that my father had eaten during WWII.  I saw bits of squirrel that my Grampa Sam had eaten when he was a boy.
    The purging process keeps on giving and giving. And giving.
    At one point, I found myself humming Rocketman. If you’ve been there, you know what I mean.
    There were no cramps; there was no gas.  So I cannot expand on that.  If you are interested in that sort of humor, I would suggest you search “Billy Connolly Ibiza” on Youtube.
    To a person--and I mean every single person--everyone I discussed this with told me the preparation was the worse part.  There is a day of clear liquids.  And that is hard because when you are on clear liquids, you suddenly discover there is food everywhere.
    Then there is the 5 PM “dose” followed by two containers of water.  For me this was followed by a period of waiting.  Tick, tick, tick...when is this going to start? Am I going to be different?  Will the timing be off?  When I go in tomorrow will they have to use “the device”?  I had been warned in very somber tones about “the device.”
    Then, the next morning, there is the 5 AM dose when you worry, remembering the wait the night before and wonder if you will be done by 7 AM when you have to go in and present what’s left of yourself at the hospital. There is also the two containers of water you drink then.  Drinking that much water, that early in the morning after the previous evenings activity takes quite a bit of will. That actually might have been the worst of all of it.
    So, yes, the preparation was the worse part.
    Butt..I mean..but they--the elders of the tribe who’d been mentoring me through this-- had also told me that they’d slept through the entire procedure and they remembered nothing.  Nothing.  Nada. Zip.
    No.  Not me.  My physician allowed me to remain awake and observe every corner, every bend.
    Page 2 of 2 - And it was fascinating, let me tell you.
    You always run into people who will tell you things like “You’ve got 5 pounds of undigested bacon in your colon!”
    I can now say, “No I don’t.” And say it with authority. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s as clean as a whistle. One diverticula, butt..but no polyps and no bacon for sure. Anything remaining after the previous evening’s activity would’ve had to have big claws to still be in there let me tell you and I didn’t see anything like that.
    Not only was I awake through the whole procedure, butt..but I went to Noon Rotary that day. I also went to a meeting at the university that afternoon.  And I was cheerful and perky to boot.
    Which brings me to a point I need to make: They gave me some really good pain-meds during this procedure which apparently last all day.  I’ve never been to a more pleasant meeting.  We need to keep some of these on hand at the University for regular use.  I’m a-thinkin’ they’ll come in real handy right around budget time.
    Bobby Winters, a native of Harden City, Oklahoma, is Assistant Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences and Professor of Mathematics at Pittsburg State University. He blogs at redneckmath.blogspot.com and okieinexile.blogspot.com. You may contact him at okieinexile@gmail.com.
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