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Morning Sun
  • TRUE STORIES: In COD We Trust

  • Last Sunday at the “Tools of the Trade - General Machinery and Supply Co., Inc.” reception at the Miners Hall Museum in Franklin, I read a punny story by Kirk Miller titled “Carpenter Tools” that got the crowd laughing … and groaning, as puns are won’t to do.

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  • Last Sunday at the “Tools of the Trade - General Machinery and Supply Co., Inc.” reception at the Miners Hall Museum in Franklin, I read a punny story by Kirk Miller titled “Carpenter Tools” that got the crowd laughing … and groaning, as puns are won’t to do.
    I’ve printed Millers story below but, as the experience got me in mood to be a punster, I’m preceding it with one I penned myself. I call it “Fish Tails.”
    Ever since I was a young boy I’ve wanted to be a professional fisherman. Why? Just for the HALIBUT maybe, but it I guess it DOLPHINitly could be from watching Harold Ensley’s “Sportsman’s Friend” on TV — show I liked even more than MARLIN Perkins “Wild Kingdom.”  It was FINtastic
    Anyway, I was HOOKed early. Each Saturday I’d wait with BAITED breath for the show to come on, especially if I was feeling CRAPPIE.
    In high school I learned how to TUNA guitar and got in a GARage band after getting a BASS guitar and learning the SCALES. I always wanted to play more folk songs, like those by SALMON and Garfunkel, or Rhythm and Blues tunes like The SPINNERs … songs with more SOLE. But the other band members said I was inSEINE.
    Sometimes I’d be KOI, saying, “I wish you CATs would get on my CHANNEL, doing my best to LURE them over … but they were BULLHEADed about it.
    One day the DRUMmer told me I was making him green around the GILLS (he didn’t look too WHALE) and why didn’t I just go take a PERCH — or else he was going to give me a SHINER. He looked REEL mad. At that point I decided I was tired of being CASTigated and I’d BOUYter quit CARPing.
    WATER you going to do? Maybe, I thought to myself, I’m being SHELLFISH. So I gave in, grew a MULLET and we played heavy metal, which pretty much destroyed my HERRING. OAR band’s name was BIGMOUTH BUFFALO.
    AnyWAVE, things went along pretty well until one the members let MINNOW he’d PRAWNed his instrument and was quitting, after which I couldn’t SEA the point of continuing the band and CAST myself upon the water, became a journalist, and tried to WORM my way up as a STRINGER for a small newspaper.
    It wasn’t easy, sometimes I didn’t know if I would SINKER swim, but I kept PLUGging along and, after quite a bit of FLOUNDERing, I got my own byLINE.
     
    CARPENTER TOOLS – Kirk Miller
    My father urged me to be a simple carpenter because carpenters are just PLANE folks. He said that when the drill bit was invented, it was a real TURNING POINT.
    Page 2 of 2 - He DRILLED it into me, but I thought it was BORING. I would rather TOOL around with my friends.
    The UNVARNISHED truth is that I had a few SCREWS loose and was MALLET-justed. I had a drinking problem, and got PLASTERED on SCREWDRIVERS with my friend JACK HAMMER all the time.
    One night my parents found me HAMMERED, and that didn’t AUGUR well one BIT with them. I wanted to BOLT out of there. I made some disJOINTED remarks and shouted, “Just LATHE me alone!”
    “Don’t RAZOR voice at me!” said Dad. He became UNHINGED! He CLAMPED down on me, and finally I SAW that I couldn’t suSTAIN that lifestyle.
    Yes, I SOLDER light. I tried to SQUARE things with Dad, so I joined a SPLINTER group of Alcoholics Anonymous and WRENCHED myself away from booze.
    My sponsor said that I was enDOWELed with talent, and if I JOINED my dad’s business, that everything WOODWORK out. He CHISELED away at me until I decided to JOIST do it.
    It was back to the old GRIND. It was a RIVETING experience as I BORE down and had to RATCHET up a notch. At first, I learned through TROWEL and error, but LADDER ON I finally NAILED the NUTS and BOLTS of the business.
    So now I’m a LEVEL-headed man who is VISE president.
    J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Training & Consulting in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-0499 or jtknoll@swbell.net
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