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Morning Sun
  • TRUE STORIES: Found in the Yellow Pages

  • If you should get bored with TV’s endless blather about the pope’s retirement, Rubio’s water dance, meteorites falling to earth and cruise ship vacations gone wrong, I suggest you turn it off and read the phone book.

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  • If you should get bored with TV’s endless blather about the pope’s retirement, Rubio’s water dance, meteorites falling to earth and cruise ship vacations gone wrong, I suggest you turn it off and read the phone book.
    No, I’m not kidding. More specifically the topic headings for the Yellow Pages, you know the two words at the top of the page like “Roofing-Satellite” meaning that the page starts off with “Roofing” listings and ends with “Satellite.”
    I know it sounds dorky but it’s a real hoot. The trick is to figure out the hidden meaning in combinations. Like the page headed “Security-Senior.” That sounds like where you’d go if you wanted to get a new smart phone app to track grandma – or maybe to hire old guys in uniforms to do crowd control at the polka fest.
    Here’s some of the other headings I came across in the latest Names and Numbers along with guesses as to what service they provide.
    • Speech-Storage (For when you go to the silent retreat at the monastery.)
    • Accountants-Acting (Shows them how keep smiling and joking despite dismal news.)
    • Advertising-Air (Don’t forget to breathe.)
    • Appliances-Asphalt (For toasters and juicers you can take on the road.)
    • Brake-Burglar (Used along with an alarm; it slows the burglar’s escape so you can catch him as he runs away.)
    • Career-Carpet (Installed in your office to enhance your career success by use of your own specially chosen colors and carpet weave density.)
    • Carry-out-Cemeteries (Everyone gets hungry after the graveside service.)
    • Collectibles-Concrete (This would be a hard habit to break.)
    • Contractors-Cosmetic (For giving old buildings face lifts.)
    • Fire-Fishing (This kind of fishing fever can be hard to extinguish.)
    • Fitness-Florist (For when you exercise yourself to death.)
    • Ice-Insurance (For your diamonds?)
    • Jewelers-Kitchen (For those 24-Carat drawer pulls.)
    • Painting-Pawnbrokers (They have a small office at Sherwin-Williams.)
    • Payday-Pest (Don’t forget to spray once a month.)
    • Swimming-Tax (Way we’ll raise revenue after Gov. Brownback’s regressive tax plan to cut income taxes on the rich.)
    • Veterinarians-Washing (Especially needed for large animal vets.)
    • Wrecker-Youth (For parents who always have kids in tow.)
    That’s it for the phone book headings but here’s few more pithy word meanings I found. Just for fun, read them aloud and test your friends. Or play “Carnak the Magnificent,” as Johnny Carson used to do, by saying the word aloud while holding an envelope to your forehead ... and then tearing the envelope open to read the definition with a roll of your eyes and a wry smile (don’t forget to wear your feathered turban and cape).
    Page 2 of 2 - • Arbitrator (A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.)
    • Avoidable (What a bullfighter tries to do.)
    • Bernadette (The act of torching your mortgage.)
    • Control (A short, ugly inmate.)
    • Counterfeiters (Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.)
    • Eclipse (What an English barber does for a living.)
    • Heroes (What a guy in a rowboat does.)
    • Misty (How golfers create divots.)
    • Pharmacist (A helper on the farm.)
    • Primate (Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.)
    • Relief (What trees do each spring.)
    • Rubberneck (What you can do to relax your wife.)
    • Seamstress (Describes 250 pounds in a size 6 dress.)
    • Subdued (Young guy that works on submarines.)
    J.T. Knoll is a writer, speaker and prevention and wellness coordinator at Pittsburg State University. He also operates Knoll Training & Consulting in Pittsburg. He can be reached at 231-0499 or jtknoll@swbell.net
     
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