"Mom, Riley is doing this weird thing," announced my daughter somewhat urgently. I came around the corner of the kitchen in time to see the dog do this strange and completely revolting backside skooch across our rug.
"Mom, Riley is doing this weird thing," announced my daughter somewhat urgently.
I came around the corner of the kitchen in time to see the dog do this strange and completely revolting backside skooch across our rug.
“Aaaack!” I yelled. A proper response, I thought, to the sight of my dog using his butt as a vacuum cleaner across the rug.
“No, no, no!” I barked at the dog, shooing him off the rug. He gave me a look as if to say, “What? Isn’t this exactly what your new, expensive rug is for?”
The dog skulked off, I assumed, to go find another, less public rug to use to scratch his itch. Although I knew it came with the territory of owning a dog, I was still always surprised/horrified/revolted when my dog came up with a new and interesting way to violate our décor. While I had to give him points for creativity, I hesitated ever buying anything of any value knowing the dog would find a way to desecrate or destroy it. Not coincidentally, it was the same philosophy I applied to the kids. Of course with the kids, if I told them not to skooch on the rug, at least they listened. The dog, not so much.
I picked up the phone and called the vet to make appointment for the dog to get checked out. Then I called the carpet cleaners to make an appointment to get the family room rug sandblasted.
“Hi, this is Tracy Beckerman,” I said to the carpet-cleaning representative. “I’d like to make an appointment to get an area rug cleaned.”
“Is this for a regular cleaning or has the rug been contaminated in some way?” she asked.
I snorted. “Oh, it’s been contaminated, all right.”
“Dirt, drink or dog?” she asked.
“Dog.” I responded.
“Front end or back end?’ she inquired.
“Back end!” I said definitively.
“Squat or skooch?” she wondered.
“Skooch,” I stated.
“OK, you will need our Defcon 4 Bad Dog Decontamination Deal,” she said. “That is a deep carpet cleaning combined with a special doggie butt skooching deterrent ingredient.”
“That sounds perfect,” I said.
“It comes with a one-year warranty against future skooching but does not protect against other doggie rug damage including muddy paws, nighttime garbage raids, rolling in dead things outside, toilet paper shredding, and other such canine-related atrocities.
“Got it,” I said, giving the dog a death stare as he neared the rug again.
“Do you have other pets?” she wondered.
“Yes. We have a lizard and a chinchilla.”
“That’s great! We are running a three pet special!” she said excitedly. “For $10 more you get our patented Three Pet Protection Treatment and our Three Pet Guarantee.”
Page 2 of 2 - “How does that work?” I asked.
“If all three pets contaminate the rug at the same time, we will come clean your carpet for free AND take your pets away.”
I glanced into the family room in time to see the kids trying to get the dog to do the “butt trick” again.
“Can you take the kids, too?” I wondered.
“Absolutely,” she said.
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