What do you do when you’re married and your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore? What are your options? Divorce? An affair? Waiting for death?
Chris is 56 and his wife Linda is 53. They’ve been married 25 years and have three kids. “I’m a very sexual human being, and my wife isn’t,” says Chris. “It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy sex, it’s the frequency that’s the problem. So, what should I do? Get a divorce? I’ve got too much invested. Talk it out? I did. Things got better, but then it felt like she was just performing her wifely duty. So, I started having affairs.
“Maybe it’s not for every guy, but for me it works. No more frustration, no more feeling like I’m sexually inadequate. Having a woman desire me is intoxicating. My lovers think I’m wonderful, and I still have sex with my wife every other month. Everyone’s happy.”
Chris says his first affair “just kind of happened.” He met a woman at the train station who was single and attractive.
“I always tell the women upfront that I’m married. The rest were all married, too. I fell in love with one. She was also in love with me. It hurt when it ended, but we went on. I’m very, very careful to make sure my wife never finds out. I’m not sure what would happen if she did, but I think we’d survive. I don’t know if any of my friends are doing the same thing, we have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.”
I asked Chris if he is happy with his choices. He said, “Not always, but it beats the alternative.” I asked if he has any negative feelings about what he’s doing. He said, “Quite a few, but I guess I want what I want.”
“All the women I’ve been with are special and have a place in my heart. I’m pretty sure my wife is having a nonsexual, emotional affair. If that’s what she needs, I’m happy for her and I can deal with it.”
Zoey says she “just filed for divorce this past week” because her husband of 25 years “thought that not having sex was OK. I’m not some sex maniac! I would have been happy with sex once a month and a little affection now and then! But I can count on four fingers how many times we’ve been intimate during the past three to four years. I finally quit asking my husband and decided to cut my losses. He just didn’t think my feelings counted on such an important subject. I think it’s a passive-aggressive action on his part so I took this drastic step and I’m not changing my mind.
“I feel for men whose wives won’t have sex. Tell them I was only one week away from 25 years and I got out and they can, too.”
Rose says her husband had been in a sexless marriage for 45 years until his wife died. “My advice to men in sexless marriages is get out now, not later. There are thousands of women who want a relationship that includes sex. Any marriage that doesn’t include sex is not a marriage, it’s just a living arrangement with financial bonds.”
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