MANCHESTER, N.H. -- Politicians both well-known and obscure have descended on New Hampshire as the 2020 primary election approaches. One contender, however, has taken a uniquely innovative, pony-based approach to winning votes over the past several presidential election cycles.
“I actually introduced the phrase ‘free ponies’ into the political vernacular,” says Vermin Supreme, who famously campaigns wearing a stylish boot on his head. “You hear a lot of people talking about free ponies, but that was my original concept.”
Supreme discussed his interactions with some of the more prominent candidates who made appearances in New Hampshire, including Pete Buttigieg (pronounced boot-edge-edge), who has emerged as one of the frontrunners in the polls in recent days.
“When I met him I was telling him that the boot-edge-edge slogan was a copyright infringement on boot-boot-head, because ‘boot’ is essentially my brand trademark,” Supreme said, adding that by “attempting to capitalize on the word boot,” Buttigieg “was in clear violation and should cease and desist.”
He also weighed in on former Vice President Joe Biden’s comment Sunday that a woman who asked him a question at a campaign event was “a lying, dog-faced pony soldier” -- apparently a John Wayne movie reference.
Supreme said he is working on developing a training program for pony soldiers.
“The militarization of the pony program, the pony drones, the pony tanks, the armed ponies, and of course we’re working on various turret designs for the ponies,” Supreme said, adding, however, that it sounded like Biden “used the term in a somewhat pejorative manner,” which his campaign did not condone.
“The Supreme campaign strenuously objects to Joe Biden’s pejorative use of ‘pony soldier,’” Supreme said.
On some fronts, Supreme’s competitors may be digging their own graves through amateurish missteps such as copyright infringement and use of pejorative language. This year, though, Supreme faces what might be the most serious competition of his political career in the form of Democratic candidate Andrew Yang, who is offering $1,000 per month for every American adult through what he is calling a “Freedom Dividend.” Supreme dismissed the notion, however, that Yang presents a serious challenge to his own ascendancy.
“I believe he’s some sort of a joke candidate,” Supreme said. “He’s like a fringe candidate of some sort.”
Supreme noted that he would be willing to revise his pony platform if that is what it takes to get elected, offering free ponies on a monthly basis to counter Yang’s proposed monthly $1,000 check.
“Yeah, the pony of the month club, sounds good,” Supreme said. “You don’t like your pony, you don’t have to keep your pony; you like your pony, you can keep your pony.”
The Yang campaign could not be reached for comment.
Supreme would even be open to implementing a mass-scale pony breeding program, he said, to ultimately offer everyone who votes for him 1,000 ponies per month.
“I address this issue in my book iPony: Blueprint for a New America. It’s a look to the future, long after the Vermin Supreme presidency, after everybody has a pony, after zombie power fuels the nation, after secret dental police have set up checkpoints every couple hundred yards. It’s a warning from the people of the future to you, the people of their past -- your present -- that Vermin Supreme is a madman and he must be stopped,” Supreme said.
“Actually it does talk about the massive pony breeding programs that will be taking place, the cloning of pony clones, also known as clonies. It will talk about the in vitro fertilization program where all sorts of mammals will be carrying pony fetuses, perhaps even humans also if the science provides for that to happen. The transition times will be frightening and confusing. Not all of us will make it. There are two types of people in America: those that love ponies and those that will not survive the transition times.”
Although providing free ponies to the populace -- whether it is done on a “one vote, one pony,” pony per month, or 1,000 pony per month basis -- would mark a major shift for the American economy, Supreme said he is not concerned that any such policy would inherently lead to a devaluation of the pony.
“Things have value that don’t have value and things that do have value sometimes don’t have value,” Supreme said. “Economics is real funny like that.”
Supreme has a longer-term goal, of course, for his proposed pony giveaway. While radio-frequency identification (RFID) chips are not scheduled for implantation into the ponies and their owners at this stage, Supreme said, both ponies and those found in possession of them will be required to have matching lip tattoos.
“They will be scanned by the secret dental police to make sure that, you know, it’s you and your pony. It’s all there in my book,” Supreme said. “It’s a federal pony identification program. You must have your federal pony identification with you at all times, it’s only right and fair. It’s for your safety and your children’s safety.”