“The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.” — Andy Rooney

It’s time for my yearly tribute to former ‘60 Minutes’ Grouch in Chief, Andy Rooney, who once revealed that God told him he should share with his TV viewers that Pat Robertson and Mel Gibson were wackos.

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Let’s start with analytics. This computer-driven analysis of life and consequent changes has gotten ludicrous. It’s especially upsetting in baseball — whether it’s ‘the shift’ when all four infielders move to the one of the infield; or pulling a pitcher with a no hitter going in the 6th inning because he’s thrown 100 pitches. Hey, how ‘bout you analytics guys … ANALYZE THIS!

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Have you ever noticed that just about the time you get used to your computer or mobile phone you see an ad or get a text or email trying to con you into upgrading to get better screen definition, more options, or more ‘G’ when everything’s working just fine? Hey, how ‘bout you upgrade guys … UPGRADE THIS!

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Five star rating systems for your ‘experience’ of everything from shopping at auto parts and hardware stores and supermarkets, to dining at restaurants are a joke. If you’re basing your shopping or dining choices on these, here’s a little alert: people get paid to sit at their computers all day and rate businesses they’ve never used. Best go for word of mouth. Or better yet, if you don’t like the attitude, service or product of a business … don’t go back.

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Does anybody out there besides me notice that (because it’s the latest fashion) women are increasingly encased in clothing so tight that it makes them look like a sausage? Men too, for that matter. This goes for not only men’s casual wear but also suits, which all look like they’re one size too small. I’m willing to bet if they wore generous shoulders and baggy slacks for a month they’d never go back to the skinny suit. Even football uniforms have succumbed; huge linemen packed into funny-colored outfits and running backs and receivers wearing leotards!

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Did you ever ask yourself why football pundits and color commentators who were previously football coaches are addressed with ‘coach’ in front of their names? As in, “What’s your take on the first half Coach Johnson or Coach Dungy?” They don’t address former quarterback Troy Aikman as ‘Quarterback’ Aikman. They call him Troy. So let’s just drop the ‘coach’ and say Jimmy and Tony.

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Speaking of football coaches, at the risk of alienating my fellow Chiefs fans, I’d like to say that Andy Reid is a delightful guy and an offensive genius … but his clock management skills suck. To wit: When you have a three score lead in the second half, Coach Andy, run the football to take time off the clock rather than have Mahomes sling the ball from the shotgun wherein he can get repeatedly throttled and injured, stop the clock with an incompletion, or give the ball to the other team with an interception.

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Individuals who refuse to wear facemasks and social distance … or gripe about having to do so because their individual rights are being violated need to stop being so peevish. Both science and experience have shown these two things slow the spread of the virus. Put a mask on and make sure it covers not only your mouth but your blowhole. People are dying.

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The person or persons responsible for continuing to manufacture 1-ply toilet paper need to be brought before a congressional committee to explain themselves. Also the ones who invented the robocall (and refined it to look as if it’s a local business on your caller ID).

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Well, that’s it for this year. Until next year when I will again do my sorehead best to employ droll humor in my plea for common sense in the face of hypocrisy, dogmatic ideologies and unpleasant facts, I leave you with a curmudgeonly comment by Albert Einstein: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.”